I can't stay quiet

I have always rooted for the underdogs. I want to see justice happen. Wrongs made right. At times, in my pursuit to see justice, I forget grace. I forget compassion.

I think that is partially why I hold back from speaking. I worry that I'm not qualified. I don't want to appear a hypocrite. I fear what people will think of me. Or I fear that I am over the top, maybe I'm too much truth. I try to err on the side of grace, since I know it's my inclination to be truth.

Today I need to speak. I am pro human, in utero and out. I am for the down trodden, the lowly, the rejected, the ones in crisis. I want to see each person valued and loved, because they are made in the image of God. I want to be for unborn children, as much as I am for pregnant teenagers, single moms, prostitutes, disabled children, and all those marginalized.

I have read many people say that Pro Life supporters only care about unborn children. I don't want to be that way. And I fear that maybe, it is how I can come across. It is how the church can come across. We should be known as for all people. I fear how I will come across if I say that I am Pro Life. Do I look like I am one sided? Am I for the pregnant teen, as much as I am for the life she carries? Am I willing to stand by, support, care for those down trodden? Am I putting my money where my mouth is?

I realized tonight that I was feeling shame and fear. Maybe I shouldn't participate in the National Day of Protest on Saturday. Maybe I don't do enough. I haven't adopted a baby or done foster care. Have I done enough to help those in crisis? Maybe I should be quiet until I've done more? Then I will have earned the right to speak. Am I all talk?

I realized this isn't right. I need to speak up about the wrong that is happening. I can't be quiet and complicit. And I also should act. Not just protesting, but acting out God's grace and mercy to those in crisis around me. It's not and/or, but both. Hiding behind shame or fear, is not what God wants for me. He wants me to be humble and obedient.

Church, we need to speak out about the terrible things happening at Planned Parenthood. We shouldn't avert our eyes, cover our ears, and pretend it's not there. We know what is happening. We can't be complicit. We can't worry about what others will think about us, or the ridicule we will receive.

Church, we also need to act. Not just speak words, or post on Facebook. We need to be active in the lives of the hurting. What does that look like? I think it depends on you. Right now, I'm a mostly stay-at-home-mom. We live on a really tight budget. I have donated many of my baby items to the local crisis pregnancy center, Options 360, where they have classes for new moms and help provide for their needs. Another great way to support mom and children around the world is through Compassion's Child Survival Center. This programs helps pregnant moms and babies survive through birth to five years: immunizations, education, basic nutrition, supplies, etc. Or perhaps it is through Young Lives, which mentors young women who are pregnant or have children. My good friend has served with this group, and we have simply helped provide a meal for their monthly meeting. There are many ways to help, that aren't just  about giving money, but they do take time and sacrifice. Where is God calling you to serve?

Tonight was a good reminder for me to not only speak but act. I need to act today, but also continue to give and serve when people have long forgotten the latest news stories. There will always be someone in crisis, and I need to be Jesus' hands and feet. I am glad that I questioned my motives and my heart. I'm glad I felt the renewed passion to write. And I'm glad that I felt uncomfortable and convicted to be Pro Human for all people, large and small, in utero or out. Just like Dr. Seuss says, "A person's a person, no matter how small." And I am for people.

If you would like to join me this Saturday morning, the 22nd, I will be attending the National Day of Protest at the Planned Parenthood, 11516 SE Mill Plain BLVD, from 9-11am. This protest is happening across the country in order to raise awareness. Below are several excellent articles that address not only abortion, but what our response should be:

An Honest Conversation about Abortion by Ann Voskamp
Planned Parenthood: Invitation, Explanation, Indignation
7th Planned Parenthood Video and 4 FAQs

Jesus in the kitchen

I have hundreds of conversations with my four year old each day. Many of those conversations are centered around correction and discipline.

"Can you try that again? This time without stomping your feet or yelling."

"Jessie, I have never tried chocolate pudding and pickles. That doesn't sound yummy to me."

"I don't know why the chicken crossed the road." (She's into jokes, right now.)

Recently, I was in the kitchen peeling a apple for Jessie when our conversation somehow turned to dying. I don't know how it came about. I remember saying, "When mommy dies she will go to heaven to be with Jesus, because I believe that Jesus is living inside of me. He changed my heart." To this response, Jessie asked,

"Where do you go if you don't believe in Jesus?"

I was dumbstruck by her question. Here we were in the middle of the kitchen, eating an apple. Tali was clawing at my leg, hoping to have something to eat. The kitchen is a mess. I'm pretty sure the dog was nearby hoping that something would drop to the floor. And this is the time that God provided for me an opportunity to speak the gospel into my daughter's life. My answer was brief,

"If we don't believe in Jesus when we die we will be forever separated from God. It is a terrible place. Without Jesus there is nothing, no happiness. Only with Jesus, can we be truly happy."

I got to spend another minute talking about heaven; it's better than Disneyland, no pain or sadness, no owies. Which then led the conversation to the scrape on her arm that God healed.  And then she was off again. It was a two, maybe three minute conversation.

So often I try to have gospel oriented conversations on my time with Jessie. This happens in the middle of correcting or disciplining. I try to be intentional during our Bible reading at night, but I forget that it is the middle of the busyness of life that the most meaningful conversations occur. I can't plan everything. I just have to be ready, with the gospel on my tongue. "Always being prepared to give a defense for the hope that is in you" (1 Peter 3:15).

This little conversation in our kitchen gave me hope. She is listening. She is taking in all that I am trying to impart. She is trying to figure out her world. And I get the privilege of sharing the gospel over and over. I felt inspired to keeping going. It's hard to not give up in the middle of tantrums, anger, lack of sleep, messiness. I felt encouraged. Her little heart and mind is listening to what I say. Even if I don't see it, and it seems like my words are bouncing off, there is something at work.

I also felt the conviction to be in the Word more. I need to be prepared. I need to continually fill myself up. So that I can overflow onto my children. What answers can I give if I'm not in tune with the Spirit? The more time I spend in the Word and praying, the better mom I will be to my girls. I want to prepare myself for the next Jesus conversation. Maybe it will happen on our walk, or in the bathroom, or the grocery store, or snuggled up on the couch. I can't wait!

Why have kids?

I recently read an article by a Christian woman, stating the reasons she doesn't want to have children. The primary reason being that she enjoys her freedom. This article didn't set with me very well. I've been mulling over it for days now. The best way for me to process my thoughts is through writing. Hence, this blog post.

My gut reaction was, "She's wrong." See, I'm a very black and white person. I don't see gray very often. And I struggle with giving grace. I figured that my immediate reaction was probably not kind or grace filled. I needed to think about it more. And just as a warning, this post may still come off a bit hard with truth. Hopefully, you will see the grace and my own vulnerability.

I have a problem with the idea of not having children because of 'freedom.' I completely empathize. And truthfully, I long for the days when I could sleep in whenever I want, stay up late, go wherever, and not be tied down to someone else's schedule. Being a mom is a HUGE inconvenience. Often when I am struggling with my anger or am frustrated it's because my children are making "my" plans difficult.

I react in frustration because of my selfishness. I would rather spend time on Facebook than play dress up. I'm tired of watching Sofia the First for the hundredth time. Don't even get me started on the Frozen soundtrack. Kids ruin your plans. They demand constant attention. Everyday they wake up and ask, "Are the rules still the same?" Disciplining and training them up is exhausting. It's quite overwhelming. Sometimes, I just want a break.

But.... (fyi, 'but' is an eraser word. So everything in the previous paragraph is negated by this 'but.')

But it's not about me. If there is one thing having children has taught me, is that it's not about me. God uses children as part of the sanctification process. My daughters have taught me more about my own selfishness and sin than any book study or sermon. Yes, there are wonderful blessings that come from children. And I wouldn't trade my girls for anything.

The truth is that having children isn't about me. Or what I want. God gave me my children. He started the life in my womb. Children are a heritage from the Lord. (Psalm 127:3-5). It doesn't matter if those children are biological or adopted. Being a parent is another opportunity to lay down your life for someone else, just like Jesus did for us.

My advice is to check your heart's motives if you're contemplating not having children. I think there are some legit reasons for not having kids at a specific time. I don't think it should ever be off the table. If you don't want to have kids because your freedom will lessen, then I think there is a bigger problem going on in your heart. Perhaps freedom has become an idol, if you are unwilling to lay it down at God's feet and say "Do with it as you will."

I understand this struggle. It's amazing how quickly I see the idols in my life with children. I get frustrated when I can't watch the newest episode of Parks and Recreation. Or I get angry when I have to get up for the 3rd time in the middle of the night to rock a baby back to sleep. My house is a constant mess, and I get tired of making meals for my family at times. This is the reality of life.

Everyday I get the opportunity to lay my life down; die to self. I pray that I have a cheerful heart as I do it. There is nothing easy about being a mom or wife. It's hard, aching, even heart wrenching work. And yet the fruit from the work is good, as God tears down my sins and builds a new heart. Each day that passes God gives me more opportunities to love my girls, train them in righteousness, and give up the idols in my heart.

So be encouraged if you are contemplating having kids. It's going to be on the one the hardest things in your life! And I'm only four years into being a mom. It is also one of the best things. I know it is good because of what God has done and is doing in my heart. And I know that I can keep moving forward on the hard days because of this verse.

" Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever."

Jude 1:25

I know that I can't do it. God can. And He is able to keep me going. It's to his glory, not mine. When I remember this truth, my heart is strengthened. The pressure is off; it's not my ability. God will provide. He will sustain.

It's the truth of knowing that having kids is hard and will require much sacrifice, and the grace of knowing that God will sustain, that help me remember is those moments of frustration of "why did I have kids?" I had kids because I knew that God wanted me to. I had kids because it is for my good. I had kids because as I learn to die to myself, God is getting glory.

Hot Yoga, T25, and Perseverance

It's been over a month since I started working out five days per week. On most days, I'm following the Focus T25 workout schedule. Today marks day one of my fifth week. Next week I'll start the Beta Cycle. I can definitely say that I feel better. My cardiovascular endurance is increasing. I feel stronger. I've lost a couple inches, a few pounds, nothing dramatic.

T25 is hard. Honestly, I have to do the modified exercises most of the time. Or I try to do slightly more high impact exercises without the craziness that they do. Like who the heck can do spider pushups, or hop hop squats or pike up or V-ups? Part of my adaptation is because of my recent surgery, and my body is just out of shape. For so long, I was unable to do anything. It's great to actually be able to do something, even if it is the modified exercises. The 25 minutes fly by. And I can actually accomplish a hard workout with my little stinkers around. Sometimes the workouts are more like 35 minutes with all the breaks for helping someone to the bathroom, stopping a baby from playing in the dog's water dish, etc. What matters is that I am consistently working out  5-6 days a week.

I also tried Bikram Yoga (hot yoga) for the first time a week ago. I had built it up in my head as something that was going to be extremely hard. I had the image of flow Yoga with lots of downward dogs, warrior poses, etc. I thought for certain that I was going to die. Add in the 105 degree room, and I was expecting to pass out in my first class. I didn't. In fact, I highly enjoyed it.

I have never sweated as much as I do in Bikram Yoga. Seriously. I had sweat dripping down my legs. It is disgusting. I won't even describe how my car smelled on the way home from class. However, it is a great workout. I was sore the next day. I know my muscles were working. I felt sore in my abs, arms, legs, back. In Bikram, there are quite a few back exercises, which is perfect for me. I really love it.

(This is what I look like after hot yoga: sweaty, gross, and red.)

I am also daily tracking my calories using the MyFitnessPal app. It's a great app. I'm in a habit now of using it. Between making good choices in what I eat, working out, tracking my calories, I know I'm on a good path.....

BUT......

I'm still waiting. I look at the progress I've made, and I'm pleased. But part of me is disappointed. I was hoping for more weight loss, better physical definition, etc. Even though there are legit reasons why my progress is so, like a brain tumor that affects my hormones. I made these 'unspoken' goals, and I haven't met them. When I think about it, I end up talking down to myself or getting depressed. It is stupid. The lies start to creep back in. I'm not good enough. My body looks like crap. I need to stop this, or that, or quite eating X,Y and Z, etc, etc, etc. Anyone else understand this terrible line of thinking?

I know that my problem lies in perseverance and lack of patience. I want results NOW. I don't want to wait. And if I'm not getting the results I want to change things, or I start doubting myself. This isn't the only place in my life where I see God asking me to keep going even when I don't understand or can't see the results.

I feel like He keeps asking me the question:

Are you going to keep going even if you haven't seen the results you want?

Yes, I am.

I know I am doing what's right for me, for my body. Every step I take is a step in the right direction. My progress might be small. But it is progress.

The bigger struggle than persevering is laying aside my dreams at Jesus feet, and saying that He is enough. Not that I'm going to stop doing my best to be healthy, but I am going to say that Jesus is satisfying. More than dropping a couple of dress sizes or losing 20 pounds, or being able to touch my toes. He is enough.

Tomorrow I will get up, workout, track my calories, be healthy. Take one step at a time. I will persevere. Remembering that Jesus is enough.

Are the rules still the same?

My mom likes to tell me that children wake up asking the same question:

"Are the rules still the same?"

Normally when Jessie wakes up in the morning, she likes to test the rules. No, you can't yell at mommy. No, you can't kick your feet in anger because I offered you cereal. No, you can't stay in your pajamas all day. Our mornings tend to start off rough. I've never met a child who wakes up as angry and irritable as Jessie. After an hour or so, her mood improves and we can go about life without much frustration.

However..... recently she has been challenging me throughout the day. I know it's a phase. It's a battle of wills, of sorts. And it's exhausting. The constant redirection and discipline is simply not easy. It's draining. By the time the afternoon nap arrives, I want to scream out 'hallelujah!'

I find that as Jessie wears me down, it becomes easier for me to lose self control. I want to get frustrated because she's frustrated. Then the little things, that normally wouldn't bug me, become HUGE issues. My responses are not examples of kindness and respect, that I want her to follow. I have to follow the same advice I give her.

In fact, she will often call me out.

"Mommy, you need to have self control. We should pray and ask God to change our hearts."

Honestly, most of the time when she calls me out, I feel irritated. I don't want her to point out my sin! I want to be the one pointing out sin. Even in the middle of my discipline of my stubborn daughter, my sin is exposed.

If there's one thing I've learned so far as a mom, it is that children are huge tool in sanctification. I knew that being a mom would be that I would be spending the majority of my time training my children up. However, I didn't realize how much of motherhood would be spent on my sin being called out.

I need Jesus just as much as Jessie does.

I forget at times. When I see Jessie kicking her feet, yelling, tears streaming down her face, her heart in complete rebellion towards me and God, I should see myself. I do that. I get pissed when things don't go my way. I don't always want to do what God says I should. I get angry. I cry. I've stopped the foot stomping thing, but my heart is just like Jessie's. I need Jesus.

With each tantrum I get the opportunity to share grace with my daughter. I understand her frustration. I understand having a hard heart that needs to change. I get to share the good news. Jesus came to change hard hearts. He can do it! We can't! We need Jesus. As I teach and reproof, I am pointing Jessie back to the God whom she desperately needs, and so do I.

Easiest bread recipe ever!

I often get complemented on my baking skills. Honestly, I don't think I should because I am just good at following directions. Baking isn't hard. And the type of baking I do, is normally extremely easy. It has to be! I have two young girls who take up a lot of my time, and require vigilant attention. As my pediatrician says, "You're on suicide watch."

One of my favorite breads is a no-knead bread recipe from FrugalLivingNW. There's only four ingredients: water, flour, yeast, and salt. It looks and tastes like Artisan bread from a bakery, which you would spend at least five bucks for, at the store. This will only cost you the flour! The biggest kicker is the bread requires time and a dutch oven. Here is my quick tutorial on the easiest bread recipe ever!

1. Right up front, you need to understand that this recipe is a slow rise recipe. It takes 12-18 hours to rise. I normally start my bread in the evening, right before going to bed.

2. The first step is to mix the salt, yeast, and flour together. Then slowly add the water. It will be sticky, which is perfect. This is what mine looked like. I would mix my dough is a large glass bowl.

Cool tool alert! You don't need to be as fancy as me, but I LOVE this danish bread whisk. It's amazing for mixing bread. You can get it from Amazon for $7. It's totally worth buying if you are going to make bread on a regular basis. It makes mixing stiff dough a breeze! And it scrapes the sides really easily. Needlesstosay, I love it!

3. Cover your dough with plastic wrap and let it sit. It normally takes me 3 minutes to get the dough ready to go. It's that easy.

4. After waking in the morning, check your dough. It should smell yeasty. (I don't think that's a word.) I forgot to take a picture! The bread will have risen and be all bubbly at the top of the bowl. If it isn't doubled in size, let it rise some more. It is a slow rising recipe!

5. Set out parchment paper or a linen cloth (not terry cloth or it will stick) out with a generous amount of flour. Get your hands all floured up and gently form the dough into a nice round ball by tucking place it on the floured surface seam side down.  Dump the dough onto the floured surface. The dough should be a smooth and not too sticky. Cover with linen cloth or parchment paper. I forgot to take a picture of mine, all pretty and smooth. Oops!

6. Let it rest again for another hour or two until it doubles in size. In the last 30 minutes or so, preheat oven to 425 and place your dutch oven inside to warm it. The oven needs to be hot before you put in your dough.

I don't have a 'real' dutch oven. What I do have a is Pampered Chef Stoneware Deep Covered Baker. It's a pretty amazing kitchen tool that I can microwave food in but also place in the oven. It can function as a dutch oven. I know that Amazon sells dutch ovens. It's on my list of things to be on the lookout for while at thrift shops.

7. Once your dough has doubled in size place in your dutch oven. I just slide the dough in straight from the parchment paper with the flour and all. No matter how it flops in, it always looks amazing! Cover with the lid and bake for 40 minutes. Your house will smell amazing. There's nothing like homemade bread baking in your oven. The only other smell I like as much is chocolate chip cookies. :-)

8. After 40 minutes remove lid. Don't forget to use your oven mitt; I'm speaking from experience. Then bake for additional 5-10 minutes, until golden brown. The internal temperature should be 200 degrees.

9. Remove from oven and rejoice at the beautiful bread you just baked! Place on a cooling rack. They say not to cut into it before it cools down. And I know that 'they' are right. But I won't say anything if you do.

Supposedly this bread is best the first 2-3 days. But I've never had any leftover past three days. :-) If you wrap it up in plastic wrap it will make the crust soft. I would keep it my dutch oven.

If you have questions, the FrugalLivingNW site has a great FAQs. This is the best, easiest bread you could make. It's worth a try! Let me know how it goes!

How I met my husband.... Otherwise known as, the day he stood up.

My last post was pretty deep and emotionally heavy. I decided that today's post would be a little lighter and definitely shorter! I'm still on the reminiscing kick since my 6 year anniversary is on Saturday the 17th. One of my favorite stories is how I met my husband.

We were from two different worlds. If it hadn't been for a mutual friend, we would have never met. I met Kim in January of 2004 at the Cascade Campus of Portland Community College. A group of my friends would hang out in the cafeteria between classes. When I first was introduced to Kim, he had the typical 'bowl' haircut. We exchanged pleasantries. But I didn't pay much attention to him.

The second time I saw Kim, he had cut his hair and I didn't even realize it was the same person! We would hangout: talk, play card games, eat. I thought he was cute, but I wrote him off because he was Asian. And as you all know, Asians are short. I had never stood next to Kim. We normally were sitting around one of the cafeteria tables. I assumed, which totally made me out to be a ass, that Kim had to be short. 

One day, I was complaining to some of the gals at the table that there were NO tall guys. Everyone was shorter than me. One of the guys, said that Kim was tall. I didn't believe him. I'm pretty sure I even said out loud, that there was no way that Kim was as tall as me or even taller. So I made Kim stand up. And being the sweet, compliant guy that he is, he did. 

Not only was a wrong, but he was just a little taller than me. I had to eat humble pie. And Kim became even cuter!

From that point on, I was pretty smitten with him. Add all the other amazing characteristics: funny, sweet, kind, respectful, hard working, and a teaser, and I was a goner. That boy stole my heart the day he stood up.