No BLT

I'm on day 6 of recovery. Each day I am less sore, which is great. But at the same time, it's harder to remember the rules of recovery: NO bending, lifting, and twisting. The first couple days it was really easy because I was sore. I didn't need reminders not to bend because I could barely move! With each day that passes, I have to consciously remind myself not to do things.

For example: brushing my teeth is now hard. Since I can't bend over to spit, I have to kinda squat and shoot out the mouthwash. It's ridiculous. Everything is below my waist. I'm 5'10". I constantly bend over without thinking about it: throwing away garbage, grabbing my cell phone off of the table, etc. Add to the mix a three year old and 6 month old, my entire world is located below my waist.

The hardest one to remember isn't bending or lifting. It's twisting. It's extremely subconscious. I am not aware of twisting till I do it. In the car, I went to hand Jessie a napkin and I realized that I would have to twist my body. Getting in an out of the car normally requires twisting. I have to move my body as a single unit. I'm trying to retrain my brain, but old habits die hard.

I am very thankful that I don't have nerve pain. I'm only sore. I realize that as each day passes it will be harder to follow the rules. I already feel like cheating at times, especially when it comes to taking care of myself or my girls. I have to be really humble. I need help tying my shoes, or if I drop anything. This morning Tali was in bed with me, and I had to call my mom to help me take Tali off of the bed. I can't lift her at all. 

It's a very humbling place to be. It's not what I'm used to. Normally I'm the busy, do-it-all mom. I don't ask for help often. I'm the first to offer help. For goodness sake, I'm the deaconess of hospitality at church! Now, I'm the one receiving the hospitality. People are making meals for my family and cleaning my house. My mom and dad are changing diapers, driving me to appointments, and taking care of three extra people without any complaints! 

I am extremely grateful. I don't know what I'd do without my family and church family. They have done so much, even when I have insisted that "I'm ok." God has placed me in a humble position. I am truly grateful. It's not easy to receive help. But I want to have a heart that rejoices and is thankful. When the guilt and shame come creeping in (especially when I can't take care of my kids, or I see fatigue in my husband's eyes), I will choose to be thankful and grateful for where God has placed me. God is blessing me through others and He is using others. It's not just about me. 

  

Sanctification isn't a solo thing

This blog has been therapeutic as I've been stuck on the couch for over a week now. It's given me a quite a bit of time to process and pray. Revelations tend to happen around 3 AM when my pain is at its worst, and I can hear Tali crying for her nightly feeding, and sleep is evasive. 

This "early" morning was no exception. Tali woke up around a quarter to 4. Due to my condition my mom is taking care of Tali during the night. Part of me aches with guilt over it. I don't want my mom to have to wake up. I don't want to her to lose sleep at night. I lay on the couch and just listen to the sounds of my daughter cry, and I know I can't do anything to calm her. I can't nurse her. I can't even make it up the stairs to her room. I can't bend over to pick her up. 

The thoughts at night are the worst:

"Mom is losing sleep again."

"Why can't Tali just sleep through the night?"

"You can't do anything."

"You are making everyone's lives more difficult."

I know it isn't true. But in the dark, when you're unable to move, listening to the sound of your daughter's cries, it's hard to remember the truth. Add physical pain to the mix, and you get a overwhelming sense of guilt and grief. 

This morning I kept thinking about me and the burden I am placing on everyone. I know God is good. I know this is for my good. This process of weakness that requires me to rely on others, is for my sanctification. I know some of it won't make sense, the 'why' behind it all. As I kept thinking and praying for Tali to settle down, I realized that much of my situation is for others as well. 

I get so wrapped up in myself. I get focused on how this situation affects me and how my helplessness is a burden to others. But I know that God is using this situation to sanctify others as well. He is using my pain, not just for me. I am a tool. Honestly, I wish that this process could be done in a less painful way, but this is the path that God has chosen for me. I will be obedient and trust in his goodness, his plan. Whether or not I see what God does behind the scenes doesn't change the truth of who He is and that his plan is good for me and everyone else around me. 

The more I think about God and those around me, the less I think about my pain and myself. There is a greater story going on. I need to be obedient to where God has put me, and allow others to take care of me. I need to be willing to allow others to do what God is calling them to do, whatever that may be: taking care of my kids, bringing meals, spending their time or money, etc. I need to set my pride aside. God may be using me to help sanctify them, grow them, build their character. Sanctification isn't a solo thing. 

God is weaving this beautiful story. I look forward to the day when I can sit with my Savior and ask, "Lord, show me your grace that I was too blind to see. Show me the glory that I thought could have never been. Abba, tell me your story that was woven through my life."

I've got the best husband..... hands down.

I love my husband. He is my first and only boyfriend. We've been a couple for almost 11 years; married 5 1/2. We've had our ups and downs. The man I married isn't the same person. He's better. God has changed him and made him a better leader. He truly is a great husband.

Sometimes I don't see it. I get focused on the 20% of the things I would like to see changed, instead of focusing and being grateful for the 80% that is amazing! I was convicted about this earlier this month. My attitude towards my husband wasn't full of grace or understanding. I wanted things to change. And I didn't want to wait. And I definitely didn't want to think my attitude had something to do with the problem. 

Yeah, it did. I realized my sinful heart. I needed to focus on the amazing things my husband does and is. And leave the rest in God's hands. God softened my heart. It was a hard pill to swallow. Discipline always hurts. But it is good.

Now, I'm in a position of utter helplessness. I HATE feeling helpless. I HATE asking for help. I HATE knowing that I can't do my "job". My husband is having to play the role of mom and dad; change diapers, give bottles, put both girls to bed, get up in the middle of the night to soothe Tali, go to work, pay bills, and even help his wife take a bath because I can't on my own. I had to let my husband wash my hair. He has to hold me with each step I take. I am not the strong person I normally am. 

You want to see a servant? Look at my husband. When I was bawling at the ER, he stroked my hair and prayed over me. When he got my prescriptions, he also bought me chocolate. (Because if Valium and Percoset can't help the pain, chocolate can.) He has taken both girls home over the weekend so that my parents can get a good night's sleep. And there haven't been any complaints at all. Actually, I've been scolded more than anything to stop trying to do things and just let it go.

This is just the beginning. If I have surgery soon, I won't be able to bend, twist, or lift anything for several weeks. I'll be on my back, completely incapacitated. He will have to continue serving his wife and family; like Christ did for his church, the bride. I love my husband. And I know he loves me by his actions. I see Jesus in Kim. I can't thank God enough. 

This is the real stuff of life. This is real marriage. It's hard. It can be heartbreaking. I know my husband is desperate for me to feel better. But this real, hard, aching, frustrating, stuff of life makes me love my husband even more. I know he loves me. And I love him.

My Daily Bread

“Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your name.

Your kingdom come,

your will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our debts,

as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil."

Matthew 6:9-13

In my last post, I talked about my first experience working out. Well, less than 24 hours later I was in the ER because of extreme back pain. I don't think my pain was directly related to working out, because it wasn't much different than what I normally do, but for some reason my back had severe spasms. It was worse than anything I have ever experienced before. I could not stand. My right leg was completely numb. The doctor who performed my epidural shot was unable to help me, and so I was instructed to go to the ER because of my pain. I couldn't walk, or crawl, the ambulance had to come and take me.

I can't describe the amount of pain I was in. Even morphine wasn't quite enough to stop the pain. I was discharged that same night with a assortment of pain medications, to hopefully tide me over until I could speak to the doctor who did my epidural injection. The next 72 hours were filled with pain. I couldn't walk. Trying to get the bathroom was nearly impossible, to the point I tried to resist having to go because I couldn't bear the pain. I called the doctor who was of no help, scheduled an appointment with a neurosurgeon for this coming Tuesday and sent even had a friend schedule a acupuncturist to come and try and help lessen my nerve pain. Thankfully, my primary care physician, Dr. Jones, was willing to help me and prescribed medication that would actually target me nerve pain, as the pain medication wouldn't stop the nerve pain.

This week was filled with physical and mental pain. There were times all I could cry out was "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner." It became my mantra as the pain seared through my leg. I kept trying to remind myself that my Lord went through pain. He understood. But honestly, in times of excruciating pain, the only thing I could concentrate on was the name of Jesus.

I am currently at my parent's house. The girls and I are staying with them during the week, so that my mom can take care of the girls. I can't lift, bend, walk, or even nurse Tali. The medications I am taking are not safe for breastfeeding, and I cannot even lift her without pain. With back surgery in the
very near future, I doubt I can continue to nurse. It has broken my heart. I have been scared that I will lose the bond with my daughter. In some ways, I know that it is silly. I am thankful that she is 6 months old and I have been able to breastfeed her to this point. It is a grace from God. But my heart still hurts over it.

So where is God? Why is this happening? I have no answer. But I keep telling myself that He is good. At the ER, I kept saying out loud to my husband and brother that God is good. He is good. I can't answer the why. I just know the 'who'. And the 'who' is God. He suffered for me. He knows my pain. And his plan for my life, no matter how painful, is for the greater glory. This is a 'light
and momentary affliction that is preparing for my a greater glory.' (2nd Corinthians 4:17) My suffering isn't meaningless. He is in control. This truth I preach over and over and over, till my heart sings with it.

As I write this I realize that part of his plan is that I learn to receive my daily bread. I am a planner. I always have long term goals, ideas, plans. But I can't right now. I was getting so sad when I thought about how I could possibly make it. It was too much thinking. I needed to trust God with today's grace. And trust that tomorrow He will provide.

Yesterday, I sat up, slightly reclined, for over an hour. My husband was able to give me a bath. I can walk to the bathroom without severe pain. And the nerve pain medicine is actually lowering my pain level from an 8 to a 4.

Today, I can sit up for even longer. I am able to work from home. I don't have to miss any extra work. I only woke up once from pain last night. And I have even been able to catch up on some Downtown Abbey episodes!

I can't thank God enough for the music I have been able to listen to. In the middle of the night, when the nerve pain would flare up, all I could do was try to relax and listen to music. The songs from Still Pilgrims, the duo of Tara and Billy Kerr, gave my heart hope. David Crowder, Andy Mineo, and even KJ-52 helped my brain focus on the lyrics and sounds instead of the pain.

These little things: like visits from friends, prayers, chocolate, mochas, are my daily bread. I am given enough for today. And I will trust God for tomorrows grace, more blessings. He is my sustainer, my hope, my Father.

"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns

and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than

they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of

life?" Matthew 6:26-27

30 minutes of torture.

I started having sciatic pain the month before I got pregnant with Tali. I thought I was running too much, so I laid off of running and went to a chiropractor. Then I got pregnant. And the sciatic pain got worse. Two chiropractors, one doctor, a acupuncturist, a physical therapist, and three months later, I was just starting on the road to being able to walk normally. Pregnancy threw my body off even more. So throughout the rest of my pregnancy I did the prescribed exercises, walked, and did a little swimming to keep my body in the best shape I could while managing the constant pain.

I thought my leg pain was the result of pregnancy. Many woman have sciatic pain during pregnancy. It wasn't until after I had Tali and the pain returned with a vengeance that I realized something was truly wrong. Three chiropractors, a new physical therapist, and four months after Tali was born I had a MRI. Yes, there was something wrong. I had two herniated discs, one of  which was pushing on my nerve root.

After waiting for over a month and half to get into to see a specialist I have finally had a cortizone shot in my spine this past Friday. For the next two weeks, I'm supposed to take it easy but try and do as normal of activities as possible. I have not worked out in 6 months. I've done little strength exercises but not a full 30 minutes cardio exercise program.

Today I did a workout by Jessica Smith TV. She has lots of different workouts from HIIT to low impact to barre. I picked a low impact, 30 minute workout; nothing too crazy until I get the ok from the doctor. It kicked my butt. These were my thoughts:

"This is ridiculous."

"It's shouldn't be this hard."

"Remember when you could run for 4 miles at a time."

"My thighs are burning! My arms are aching! Sports bras are not supportive enough for nursing moms!!!"

But I finished it. I didn't do all of the bending and twisting motions. Mostly because I'm scared I'll herniate my back more. And I couldn't keep my arms going for the entire time Jessica did. BUT I did 30 minutes of cardio exercise, with only a little bit of pain.

I'm calling today a success. I feel better this afternoon, just knowing that I took another step towards being stronger and healthier. We'll see how I feel by the end of the day, or tomorrow morning. Hopefully my back will continue to heal, so that I can work strengthening my body, and keeping my back in the best shape it can be.

What's with the name Talitha?

Where did you get the name Talitha?

The short answer is Mark 5:35-43. 

The long answer is this:

We knew that if I was pregnant with a boy, his name would be Charlie Chu. You can't get much cuter than Charlie Chu. But we had no clue what a girl name could be. My husband is all about the sound. He never pays attention to the lyrics in music. He will often come to me with a new song that he likes. I'll spend a minute listening to it, and normally my response is "Did you listen to lyrics?" The answer is no. He is all about the melody.

I am the lyrics. I love good lyrics; thought provoking, inspiring, truthful. I might enjoy listening to a melody, but if the lyrics aren't good, I'll stop. It has to mean something.

And so, every time I brought a meaningful name to Kim, he would immediately decide if he liked it or not, before knowing what it meant! Needless to say this, could be frustrating. With Jessie we knew before I even became pregnant what name we wanted for a girl. He loved the sound of the name Jessie. In Kim's family all of the kids have nicknames that end in a "ee" sound. Kim is often called Kimmy. And my best friend's name is Jessica. It would be a namesake to a very special friend and yet also have the lyrical quality we loved. It was perfect. But what to do with another girl?

I was actually at Chuck's Produce and my cashier's name was Thalia. I liked the way it sounded and the look of the name. When I went home I started doing research. As I traveled down the list of 'T' names I came to 'Talitha.' 

The name comes from the story of Jesus raising Jairus' daughter from the dead in Mark 5:35-43. 

While he was still speaking, there came from the ruler’s house some who said, “Your daughter is dead. Why trouble the Teacher any further?” 36But overhearing^e what they said, Jesus said to the ruler of the synagogue, “Do not fear, only believe.” 37And he allowed no one to follow him except Peter and James and John the brother of James. 38They came to the house of the ruler of the synagogue, and Jesus^f saw a commotion, people weeping and wailing loudly. 39And when he had entered, he said to them, “Why are you making a commotion and weeping? The child is not dead but sleeping.” 40And they laughed at him. But he put them all outside and took the child’s father and mother and those who were with him and went in where the child was. 41Taking her by the hand he said to her,“Talitha cumi,” which means, “Little girl, I say to you, arise.” 42And immediately the girl got up and began walking (for she was twelve years of age), and they were immediately overcome with amazement. 43And he strictly charged them that no one should know this, and told them to give her something to eat.  

Jesus raises the little girl from the dead. He wakes her up. She was completely dead but His voice, His calling out, awoke her. This is my deepest prayer for Talitha. I earnestly ask God to wake her up, so that she can hear his voice, and call out to him, "Abba." 

The meaning was so deep and profound, I hoped that Kim would see it the same way. And he did. The lyrical sound of the name met his approval. We pronounce her name "Ta-lee-tha", and for short it is "Tali". She is my Tali-girl, my little girl. 

Hopefully, she will hear God calling to her to "Wake up and follow me." It is our prayer. And her name is our reminder to pray.

Family Pictures and practicing what I preach

Last Saturday we had our annual family pictures taken. These pictures will be sent out in Christmas cards and given away to all of the relatives. I spent quite a few hours deciding on what outfits to put the girls in, what I would wear, what my husband should wear. I even ironed. Yeah, it's that important.

But honestly, I was dreading it. I haven't lost all the baby weight yet. I haven't been able to workout because of my back pain. I knew that I wouldn't like the person I was going to see in the pictures. I knew that before I looked at the pictures I needed to do some serious preaching to myself. If I didn't check my heart, I would hate every single picture. I would criticize and nit pick at every flaw, everything I don't like. I wouldn't be able to see the good. 

It's the struggle of knowing the truth and believing it. And just because I believed it yesterday, doesn't mean I will believe it today. I need the truth spoken to me everyday. I need to say it to myself over and over until it sinks in and penetrates my broken heart. 

My worth isn't tied into how I look.

I am beautiful.

I am loved.

My husband and children love me.

God loves me as I am.