Why have kids?

I recently read an article by a Christian woman, stating the reasons she doesn't want to have children. The primary reason being that she enjoys her freedom. This article didn't set with me very well. I've been mulling over it for days now. The best way for me to process my thoughts is through writing. Hence, this blog post.

My gut reaction was, "She's wrong." See, I'm a very black and white person. I don't see gray very often. And I struggle with giving grace. I figured that my immediate reaction was probably not kind or grace filled. I needed to think about it more. And just as a warning, this post may still come off a bit hard with truth. Hopefully, you will see the grace and my own vulnerability.

I have a problem with the idea of not having children because of 'freedom.' I completely empathize. And truthfully, I long for the days when I could sleep in whenever I want, stay up late, go wherever, and not be tied down to someone else's schedule. Being a mom is a HUGE inconvenience. Often when I am struggling with my anger or am frustrated it's because my children are making "my" plans difficult.

I react in frustration because of my selfishness. I would rather spend time on Facebook than play dress up. I'm tired of watching Sofia the First for the hundredth time. Don't even get me started on the Frozen soundtrack. Kids ruin your plans. They demand constant attention. Everyday they wake up and ask, "Are the rules still the same?" Disciplining and training them up is exhausting. It's quite overwhelming. Sometimes, I just want a break.

But.... (fyi, 'but' is an eraser word. So everything in the previous paragraph is negated by this 'but.')

But it's not about me. If there is one thing having children has taught me, is that it's not about me. God uses children as part of the sanctification process. My daughters have taught me more about my own selfishness and sin than any book study or sermon. Yes, there are wonderful blessings that come from children. And I wouldn't trade my girls for anything.

The truth is that having children isn't about me. Or what I want. God gave me my children. He started the life in my womb. Children are a heritage from the Lord. (Psalm 127:3-5). It doesn't matter if those children are biological or adopted. Being a parent is another opportunity to lay down your life for someone else, just like Jesus did for us.

My advice is to check your heart's motives if you're contemplating not having children. I think there are some legit reasons for not having kids at a specific time. I don't think it should ever be off the table. If you don't want to have kids because your freedom will lessen, then I think there is a bigger problem going on in your heart. Perhaps freedom has become an idol, if you are unwilling to lay it down at God's feet and say "Do with it as you will."

I understand this struggle. It's amazing how quickly I see the idols in my life with children. I get frustrated when I can't watch the newest episode of Parks and Recreation. Or I get angry when I have to get up for the 3rd time in the middle of the night to rock a baby back to sleep. My house is a constant mess, and I get tired of making meals for my family at times. This is the reality of life.

Everyday I get the opportunity to lay my life down; die to self. I pray that I have a cheerful heart as I do it. There is nothing easy about being a mom or wife. It's hard, aching, even heart wrenching work. And yet the fruit from the work is good, as God tears down my sins and builds a new heart. Each day that passes God gives me more opportunities to love my girls, train them in righteousness, and give up the idols in my heart.

So be encouraged if you are contemplating having kids. It's going to be on the one the hardest things in your life! And I'm only four years into being a mom. It is also one of the best things. I know it is good because of what God has done and is doing in my heart. And I know that I can keep moving forward on the hard days because of this verse.

" Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever."

Jude 1:25

I know that I can't do it. God can. And He is able to keep me going. It's to his glory, not mine. When I remember this truth, my heart is strengthened. The pressure is off; it's not my ability. God will provide. He will sustain.

It's the truth of knowing that having kids is hard and will require much sacrifice, and the grace of knowing that God will sustain, that help me remember is those moments of frustration of "why did I have kids?" I had kids because I knew that God wanted me to. I had kids because it is for my good. I had kids because as I learn to die to myself, God is getting glory.

Hot Yoga, T25, and Perseverance

It's been over a month since I started working out five days per week. On most days, I'm following the Focus T25 workout schedule. Today marks day one of my fifth week. Next week I'll start the Beta Cycle. I can definitely say that I feel better. My cardiovascular endurance is increasing. I feel stronger. I've lost a couple inches, a few pounds, nothing dramatic.

T25 is hard. Honestly, I have to do the modified exercises most of the time. Or I try to do slightly more high impact exercises without the craziness that they do. Like who the heck can do spider pushups, or hop hop squats or pike up or V-ups? Part of my adaptation is because of my recent surgery, and my body is just out of shape. For so long, I was unable to do anything. It's great to actually be able to do something, even if it is the modified exercises. The 25 minutes fly by. And I can actually accomplish a hard workout with my little stinkers around. Sometimes the workouts are more like 35 minutes with all the breaks for helping someone to the bathroom, stopping a baby from playing in the dog's water dish, etc. What matters is that I am consistently working out  5-6 days a week.

I also tried Bikram Yoga (hot yoga) for the first time a week ago. I had built it up in my head as something that was going to be extremely hard. I had the image of flow Yoga with lots of downward dogs, warrior poses, etc. I thought for certain that I was going to die. Add in the 105 degree room, and I was expecting to pass out in my first class. I didn't. In fact, I highly enjoyed it.

I have never sweated as much as I do in Bikram Yoga. Seriously. I had sweat dripping down my legs. It is disgusting. I won't even describe how my car smelled on the way home from class. However, it is a great workout. I was sore the next day. I know my muscles were working. I felt sore in my abs, arms, legs, back. In Bikram, there are quite a few back exercises, which is perfect for me. I really love it.

(This is what I look like after hot yoga: sweaty, gross, and red.)

I am also daily tracking my calories using the MyFitnessPal app. It's a great app. I'm in a habit now of using it. Between making good choices in what I eat, working out, tracking my calories, I know I'm on a good path.....

BUT......

I'm still waiting. I look at the progress I've made, and I'm pleased. But part of me is disappointed. I was hoping for more weight loss, better physical definition, etc. Even though there are legit reasons why my progress is so, like a brain tumor that affects my hormones. I made these 'unspoken' goals, and I haven't met them. When I think about it, I end up talking down to myself or getting depressed. It is stupid. The lies start to creep back in. I'm not good enough. My body looks like crap. I need to stop this, or that, or quite eating X,Y and Z, etc, etc, etc. Anyone else understand this terrible line of thinking?

I know that my problem lies in perseverance and lack of patience. I want results NOW. I don't want to wait. And if I'm not getting the results I want to change things, or I start doubting myself. This isn't the only place in my life where I see God asking me to keep going even when I don't understand or can't see the results.

I feel like He keeps asking me the question:

Are you going to keep going even if you haven't seen the results you want?

Yes, I am.

I know I am doing what's right for me, for my body. Every step I take is a step in the right direction. My progress might be small. But it is progress.

The bigger struggle than persevering is laying aside my dreams at Jesus feet, and saying that He is enough. Not that I'm going to stop doing my best to be healthy, but I am going to say that Jesus is satisfying. More than dropping a couple of dress sizes or losing 20 pounds, or being able to touch my toes. He is enough.

Tomorrow I will get up, workout, track my calories, be healthy. Take one step at a time. I will persevere. Remembering that Jesus is enough.