T25 is hard. Honestly, I have to do the modified exercises most of the time. Or I try to do slightly more high impact exercises without the craziness that they do. Like who the heck can do spider pushups, or hop hop squats or pike up or V-ups? Part of my adaptation is because of my recent surgery, and my body is just out of shape. For so long, I was unable to do anything. It's great to actually be able to do something, even if it is the modified exercises. The 25 minutes fly by. And I can actually accomplish a hard workout with my little stinkers around. Sometimes the workouts are more like 35 minutes with all the breaks for helping someone to the bathroom, stopping a baby from playing in the dog's water dish, etc. What matters is that I am consistently working out 5-6 days a week.
I also tried Bikram Yoga (hot yoga) for the first time a week ago. I had built it up in my head as something that was going to be extremely hard. I had the image of flow Yoga with lots of downward dogs, warrior poses, etc. I thought for certain that I was going to die. Add in the 105 degree room, and I was expecting to pass out in my first class. I didn't. In fact, I highly enjoyed it.
I have never sweated as much as I do in Bikram Yoga. Seriously. I had sweat dripping down my legs. It is disgusting. I won't even describe how my car smelled on the way home from class. However, it is a great workout. I was sore the next day. I know my muscles were working. I felt sore in my abs, arms, legs, back. In Bikram, there are quite a few back exercises, which is perfect for me. I really love it.
(This is what I look like after hot yoga: sweaty, gross, and red.)
I am also daily tracking my calories using the MyFitnessPal app. It's a great app. I'm in a habit now of using it. Between making good choices in what I eat, working out, tracking my calories, I know I'm on a good path.....
BUT......
I'm still waiting. I look at the progress I've made, and I'm pleased. But part of me is disappointed. I was hoping for more weight loss, better physical definition, etc. Even though there are legit reasons why my progress is so, like a brain tumor that affects my hormones. I made these 'unspoken' goals, and I haven't met them. When I think about it, I end up talking down to myself or getting depressed. It is stupid. The lies start to creep back in. I'm not good enough. My body looks like crap. I need to stop this, or that, or quite eating X,Y and Z, etc, etc, etc. Anyone else understand this terrible line of thinking?
I know that my problem lies in perseverance and lack of patience. I want results NOW. I don't want to wait. And if I'm not getting the results I want to change things, or I start doubting myself. This isn't the only place in my life where I see God asking me to keep going even when I don't understand or can't see the results.
I feel like He keeps asking me the question:
Are you going to keep going even if you haven't seen the results you want?
Yes, I am.
I know I am doing what's right for me, for my body. Every step I take is a step in the right direction. My progress might be small. But it is progress.
The bigger struggle than persevering is laying aside my dreams at Jesus feet, and saying that He is enough. Not that I'm going to stop doing my best to be healthy, but I am going to say that Jesus is satisfying. More than dropping a couple of dress sizes or losing 20 pounds, or being able to touch my toes. He is enough.
Tomorrow I will get up, workout, track my calories, be healthy. Take one step at a time. I will persevere. Remembering that Jesus is enough.
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