My 6 year anniversary is coming up on the 17th of January. I can't believe that 6 years of marriage has gone by. Each anniversary prompts me to reflect on our past. Since I started this blog, I knew I needed to write down my story. Now seems like the perfect time.
I met Kim when 18 years old. I and my family had recently left my childhood church. I was very disenchanted with church and Christians in general. I knew that I needed to go to church. I loved God. And I thought of myself as a good kid. I didn't get in trouble. Never drank. Never did drugs. Didn't really cuss. Dressed appropriately. Listened to "good" music. On the scale of being a sinner, I wasn't in the "bad" section.
Kim wasn't a Christian when I met him. He didn't have a relationship with God. I remember struggling with my attraction to him; wanting to be more than friends, and yet knowing I shouldn't. He was the first boy to ever take interest in me. He was sweet, kind, respectful. The type of guy my parents would approve of. He just didn't love God.
When I look back through my journal at that time. I really struggled with knowing what the right thing to do was and what my heart wanted. I wanted to be with Kim. I didn't want to have to wait. I remember making a choice. I was going to date Kim, despite my parent's disapproval and God's word.
I had a problem though. My parents made it very clear that if I chose to date Kim I would have to move out. I couldn't support myself at the time. And frankly, I didn't want to live a uncomfortable life and be in their condemnation. So I lied.
I kept my relationship with Kim a secret for five years. There were several times throughout that period that I got caught. Each time, God gave me a way out of my sin, but instead I chose to lie. I became very, very good at lying. I created elaborate lies to my parents, but also to myself. I chose to stuff down the guilt down. I would tell myself that my parents were the problem. They didn't understand. They didn't know Kim like I did. It was very one else, not me. I separated myself from those who would speak truth in my life. I didn't want to hear it. I stopped going to church regularly. I only went when I wanted to ease my guilt.
I had lived with my family throughout my college years. They helped me financially and mentally. And like the saying goes, your sin will find you out. My sin came to head. It had to. Kim and I wanted to get married. I wanted my parent's approval. I cared more about what my parents' thought than what God thought.
When my parents found out that I had lied, everything blew up. Even then, I tried to lie to ease the blow. I said that we had only recently started dating again. More lies. I tried to get my younger sister to be on my side. I used manipulation, lies, and blame to try and get what I wanted.
Kim and I started going to Red Sea Church in December of 2008. It was mostly an attempt on my part to make Kim look more appealing to my parents. I didn't realize then that God would use this church to dramatically change our hearts.
The day Kim proposed, was the last day I saw my family for almost two months. In some ways, my parents gave me church discipline. I was cut off from my family, with whom I was incredibly close. I was living on my own at the time, and had many evenings left to my own demise. All I could think about was my sin. At one point, I thought about throwing myself off the I5 bridge because I couldn't stand myself.
God broke me. He shattered my "perfect" vision of myself. I realized how greatly I needed grace. I needed rescuing from the mess that I had made! It was my fault. No lying could change it. Nothing I did made it better. I couldn't blame others for my sins. It didn't matter how my parents treated Kim or thought about him. I had to own my sin.
God placed us in a home group at Red Sea that gathered around us. They showed us love, grace and truth. In simple terms, they said, "You're wrong. And we love you." We were encouraged to seek reconciliation out with my parents, and to admit our wrong doing. It was a hard pill to swallow. I had done a lot of wrong things. I, even, bought my wedding dress without my mom. It was much easier to hold on to some type of blame for someone else, then to fully hold myself accountable without pointing fingers. I read once that even if you are only responsible for 10% of the problem, you need to take 100% responsibility for that 10%. And I was responsible for a lot more than 10%.
After meeting with my parents and our pastors, I called my parents to see how they were feeling. It wasn't good. I reached my breaking point. Cried out to my mom and asked to come home. I asked for forgiveness without pointing fingers. She came and picked me up right away. I was brought home. I received unconditional forgiveness, mercy, and love. In one night, my burdens were taken away.
I thank God for my parent's tough love. I needed to be cut off. Without it, I would have continued to be selfish and blame others. Those two months of isolation from my family, gave God the opportunity to work on my heart. He showed me the desperate state of my heart. I realized that I wasn't "good". I needed a Savior. And he loved me when I was in the depths of my mess. He didn't love me more when I was going to church, or being 'good.' He died for me when I was in the midst of sinning. Grace became real to me when I understood my depravity.
God lifted me from the depths. My relationship with my family was restored to a better place than ever before. My mom is one of my best friends. It is truly a miracle. She and my dad gave me grace beyond measure. We were reconciled in the beginning of June of 2008. Seven months later, Kim and I were married. This is mostly due to my parents' encouragement and forgiveness. They did not hold anything against us.
This story isn't about me. It's about what God has done. He took a broken girl, a broken family, and made them new. My marriage is a testament to God's goodness. We will be married six years on January 17th, and I cannot take any credit. All the glory belongs to Jesus. It's his story.
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