I've got my mom jeans on.

Ahhhhh.... the joys of motherhood: picking up toys, getting boogers wiped on you, finding random pieces of something on your shirt, waking up at all hours of the night, dealing with 3 year old meltdowns, etc, etc, etc. (I hope you heard the 'etc' in your head through the voice of Yul Brynner) Anyway, on top of those joys, there are the real joys: snuggles, kisses, silly faces, hysterical sentences and antics, reading books, singing, dancing, etc, etc, etc, etc. Motherhood is a blessing. And at the end of the day, I love my life.

I wish that at the beginning of the day, I loved my body.

I have a war in my head. One side speaks truth: God created me to give birth. I gave birth to TWO beautiful girls. I carried them. I am currently nursing one of them. My husband loves me. God loves me the way that I am. There isn't a standard that I need to meet.

Then there's the lies. Those sneaky, irritating, blatant falsehoods about what my body should look like. And it's not even spoken lies. It is what I see. Movies, tv, magazines, it's everywhere! And then you start to compare in your head.

I'm 5'10" Norwegian, Irish woman. I have NEVER fit into the standard of beauty. I know that I never will. And yet, I find myself creating this more perfect version of myself. If I lose 30 more pounds,.... If I do 100 pushups a day.... If I cut out gluten and dairy, and cut calories, (and be miserable) and the list goes on and on. If I do these things, then I will be happy.

That's a lie. It's not true. I won't be happy if I achieve them. It easily becomes an idol in my heart. One that I need to put to death daily, as soon as I step out of the shower. I need to preach the truth to myself. "My heart's satisfaction is not in how I look, but in Jesus." He is what is most satisfying.

Don't get me wrong. Being healthy, making good food choices and working out are fantastic things! It just shouldn't be the end all of my being. I don't want to make being a certain size or weighing a certain number the equivalent of my happiness. It won't be enough.

And the funny thing is I can't do most of the things that I want to do. God has literally put me in a position where I can't really workout. It's been super frustrating. I had grand ideas for after I gave birth to Tali. I was supposed to be finished with Focus T25 by now. Instead, I have 2 herniated discs, a mechanical irritation, and a bulged disc. I am having to be ok with where I am, and how God sees me. There is no shame. There is no condemnation.

Tomorrow, I'm going to put on my mom jeans. I will eat healthy. Do what little exercises I can. And I will find my joy not in how I look, or what I could look like, but in who God is and how He sees me. I will let that be enough.

And if for some reason, you hear my complain or rag on myself, just give me a dose of loving truth. I'm going to need it.

Girls.... not as scary as I thought.

I have two amazing daughters. Jessie was born in May 2011. And Talitha in April 2014. When Jessie was born, my husband and I were so excited! We didn't have a preference on gender. We were just so happy to be able to have a baby. Then when I got pregnant with Tali, there was more of a hope for having a boy. I mostly hoped for a boy because I was scared of having two girls. 

I have two sisters. And sisters fight. I remember fighting with my younger sister. And sisters aren't always close, even when they grow up. I was scared of what my girls would end up like. I didn't want them to be enemies. There is a pair of sisters from my church who gave me hope. They are close, loving, and have made it two adulthood with killing each other! 

And so I went to one of them, when I found out that I was pregnant with another girl. She told me that when her mom found out she was pregnant, she started praying for her daughters and their future friendship. I knew I needed to do the same. I had to put aside my fear and pray for my girls. 

I began to pray for Tali's relationship with Jessie, that God would strengthen their bond as sisters, help them forgive each other, give grace, be honest, have fun, and love one another in the good and the bad. It became, and is, a cry of my heart.

When Tali was born I was worried about how Jessie would adjust. She is the only grandchild on both sides, AKA the center of the world. While my husband and I read books to Jessie and constantly talked about the new baby, we just didn't know what to expect. She has done exceptionally well. And maybe it's just hopefulness, but Jessie seems to truly love Tali. 

Jessie gives Tali kisses and hugs, sings and dances for her, and is very outspoken about Tali being her baby sister. I haven't seen a struggle for attention, or anger towards Tali. Jessie loves having her picture taken with her baby sister. 

It has been a pleasant surprised. I was expecting much worse. And I know, they are only 3 years old and 5 months, there is many more years to come of fighting and problems. I will keep praying, modeling love and forgiveness, and encouraging my girls to see in each other the beautiful gifts that they are. 

I love my girls. It has been a blessing beyond words. And my fearful heart is being transformed to a hopeful heart.