Are the rules still the same?

My mom likes to tell me that children wake up asking the same question:

"Are the rules still the same?"

Normally when Jessie wakes up in the morning, she likes to test the rules. No, you can't yell at mommy. No, you can't kick your feet in anger because I offered you cereal. No, you can't stay in your pajamas all day. Our mornings tend to start off rough. I've never met a child who wakes up as angry and irritable as Jessie. After an hour or so, her mood improves and we can go about life without much frustration.

However..... recently she has been challenging me throughout the day. I know it's a phase. It's a battle of wills, of sorts. And it's exhausting. The constant redirection and discipline is simply not easy. It's draining. By the time the afternoon nap arrives, I want to scream out 'hallelujah!'

I find that as Jessie wears me down, it becomes easier for me to lose self control. I want to get frustrated because she's frustrated. Then the little things, that normally wouldn't bug me, become HUGE issues. My responses are not examples of kindness and respect, that I want her to follow. I have to follow the same advice I give her.

In fact, she will often call me out.

"Mommy, you need to have self control. We should pray and ask God to change our hearts."

Honestly, most of the time when she calls me out, I feel irritated. I don't want her to point out my sin! I want to be the one pointing out sin. Even in the middle of my discipline of my stubborn daughter, my sin is exposed.

If there's one thing I've learned so far as a mom, it is that children are huge tool in sanctification. I knew that being a mom would be that I would be spending the majority of my time training my children up. However, I didn't realize how much of motherhood would be spent on my sin being called out.

I need Jesus just as much as Jessie does.

I forget at times. When I see Jessie kicking her feet, yelling, tears streaming down her face, her heart in complete rebellion towards me and God, I should see myself. I do that. I get pissed when things don't go my way. I don't always want to do what God says I should. I get angry. I cry. I've stopped the foot stomping thing, but my heart is just like Jessie's. I need Jesus.

With each tantrum I get the opportunity to share grace with my daughter. I understand her frustration. I understand having a hard heart that needs to change. I get to share the good news. Jesus came to change hard hearts. He can do it! We can't! We need Jesus. As I teach and reproof, I am pointing Jessie back to the God whom she desperately needs, and so do I.

Easiest bread recipe ever!

I often get complemented on my baking skills. Honestly, I don't think I should because I am just good at following directions. Baking isn't hard. And the type of baking I do, is normally extremely easy. It has to be! I have two young girls who take up a lot of my time, and require vigilant attention. As my pediatrician says, "You're on suicide watch."

One of my favorite breads is a no-knead bread recipe from FrugalLivingNW. There's only four ingredients: water, flour, yeast, and salt. It looks and tastes like Artisan bread from a bakery, which you would spend at least five bucks for, at the store. This will only cost you the flour! The biggest kicker is the bread requires time and a dutch oven. Here is my quick tutorial on the easiest bread recipe ever!

1. Right up front, you need to understand that this recipe is a slow rise recipe. It takes 12-18 hours to rise. I normally start my bread in the evening, right before going to bed.

2. The first step is to mix the salt, yeast, and flour together. Then slowly add the water. It will be sticky, which is perfect. This is what mine looked like. I would mix my dough is a large glass bowl.

Cool tool alert! You don't need to be as fancy as me, but I LOVE this danish bread whisk. It's amazing for mixing bread. You can get it from Amazon for $7. It's totally worth buying if you are going to make bread on a regular basis. It makes mixing stiff dough a breeze! And it scrapes the sides really easily. Needlesstosay, I love it!

3. Cover your dough with plastic wrap and let it sit. It normally takes me 3 minutes to get the dough ready to go. It's that easy.

4. After waking in the morning, check your dough. It should smell yeasty. (I don't think that's a word.) I forgot to take a picture! The bread will have risen and be all bubbly at the top of the bowl. If it isn't doubled in size, let it rise some more. It is a slow rising recipe!

5. Set out parchment paper or a linen cloth (not terry cloth or it will stick) out with a generous amount of flour. Get your hands all floured up and gently form the dough into a nice round ball by tucking place it on the floured surface seam side down.  Dump the dough onto the floured surface. The dough should be a smooth and not too sticky. Cover with linen cloth or parchment paper. I forgot to take a picture of mine, all pretty and smooth. Oops!

6. Let it rest again for another hour or two until it doubles in size. In the last 30 minutes or so, preheat oven to 425 and place your dutch oven inside to warm it. The oven needs to be hot before you put in your dough.

I don't have a 'real' dutch oven. What I do have a is Pampered Chef Stoneware Deep Covered Baker. It's a pretty amazing kitchen tool that I can microwave food in but also place in the oven. It can function as a dutch oven. I know that Amazon sells dutch ovens. It's on my list of things to be on the lookout for while at thrift shops.

7. Once your dough has doubled in size place in your dutch oven. I just slide the dough in straight from the parchment paper with the flour and all. No matter how it flops in, it always looks amazing! Cover with the lid and bake for 40 minutes. Your house will smell amazing. There's nothing like homemade bread baking in your oven. The only other smell I like as much is chocolate chip cookies. :-)

8. After 40 minutes remove lid. Don't forget to use your oven mitt; I'm speaking from experience. Then bake for additional 5-10 minutes, until golden brown. The internal temperature should be 200 degrees.

9. Remove from oven and rejoice at the beautiful bread you just baked! Place on a cooling rack. They say not to cut into it before it cools down. And I know that 'they' are right. But I won't say anything if you do.

Supposedly this bread is best the first 2-3 days. But I've never had any leftover past three days. :-) If you wrap it up in plastic wrap it will make the crust soft. I would keep it my dutch oven.

If you have questions, the FrugalLivingNW site has a great FAQs. This is the best, easiest bread you could make. It's worth a try! Let me know how it goes!

How I met my husband.... Otherwise known as, the day he stood up.

My last post was pretty deep and emotionally heavy. I decided that today's post would be a little lighter and definitely shorter! I'm still on the reminiscing kick since my 6 year anniversary is on Saturday the 17th. One of my favorite stories is how I met my husband.

We were from two different worlds. If it hadn't been for a mutual friend, we would have never met. I met Kim in January of 2004 at the Cascade Campus of Portland Community College. A group of my friends would hang out in the cafeteria between classes. When I first was introduced to Kim, he had the typical 'bowl' haircut. We exchanged pleasantries. But I didn't pay much attention to him.

The second time I saw Kim, he had cut his hair and I didn't even realize it was the same person! We would hangout: talk, play card games, eat. I thought he was cute, but I wrote him off because he was Asian. And as you all know, Asians are short. I had never stood next to Kim. We normally were sitting around one of the cafeteria tables. I assumed, which totally made me out to be a ass, that Kim had to be short. 

One day, I was complaining to some of the gals at the table that there were NO tall guys. Everyone was shorter than me. One of the guys, said that Kim was tall. I didn't believe him. I'm pretty sure I even said out loud, that there was no way that Kim was as tall as me or even taller. So I made Kim stand up. And being the sweet, compliant guy that he is, he did. 

Not only was a wrong, but he was just a little taller than me. I had to eat humble pie. And Kim became even cuter!

From that point on, I was pretty smitten with him. Add all the other amazing characteristics: funny, sweet, kind, respectful, hard working, and a teaser, and I was a goner. That boy stole my heart the day he stood up.

Fall and Redemption: my story

My 6 year anniversary is coming up on the 17th of January. I can't believe that 6 years of marriage has gone by. Each anniversary prompts me to reflect on our past. Since I started this blog, I knew I needed to write down my story. Now seems like the perfect time.

I met Kim when 18 years old. I and my family had recently left my childhood church. I was very disenchanted with church and Christians in general. I knew that I needed to go to church. I loved God. And I thought of myself as a good kid. I didn't get in trouble. Never drank. Never did drugs. Didn't really cuss. Dressed appropriately. Listened to "good" music. On the scale of being a sinner, I wasn't in the "bad" section. 

Kim wasn't a Christian when I met him. He didn't have a relationship with God. I remember struggling with my attraction to him; wanting to be more than friends, and yet knowing I shouldn't. He was the first boy to ever take interest in me. He was sweet, kind, respectful. The type of guy my parents would approve of. He just didn't love God. 

When I look back through my journal at that time. I really struggled with knowing what the right thing to do was and what my heart wanted. I wanted to be with Kim. I didn't want to have to wait. I remember making a choice. I was going to date Kim, despite my parent's disapproval and God's word. 

I had a problem though. My parents made it very clear that if I chose to date Kim I would have to move out. I couldn't support myself at the time. And frankly, I didn't want to live a uncomfortable life and be in their condemnation. So I lied. 

I kept my relationship with Kim a secret for five years. There were several times throughout that period that I got caught. Each time, God gave me a way out of my sin, but instead I chose to lie. I became very, very good at lying. I created elaborate lies to my parents, but also to myself. I chose to stuff down the guilt down. I would tell myself that my parents were the problem. They didn't understand. They didn't know Kim like I did. It was very one else, not me. I separated myself from those who would speak truth in my life. I didn't want to hear it. I stopped going to church regularly. I only went when I wanted to ease my guilt. 

I had lived with my family throughout my college years. They helped me financially and mentally. And like the saying goes, your sin will find you out. My sin came to head. It had to. Kim and I wanted to get married. I wanted my parent's approval. I cared more about what my parents' thought than what God thought. 

When my parents found out that I had lied, everything blew up. Even then, I tried to lie to ease the blow. I said that we had only recently started dating again. More lies. I tried to get my younger sister to be on my side. I used manipulation, lies, and blame to try and get what I wanted.

Kim and I started going to Red Sea Church in December of 2008. It was mostly an attempt on my part to make Kim look more appealing to my parents. I didn't realize then that God would use this church to dramatically change our hearts. 

The day Kim proposed, was the last day I saw my family for almost two months. In some ways, my parents gave me church discipline. I was cut off from my family, with whom I was incredibly close. I was living on my own at the time, and had many evenings left to my own demise. All I could think about was my sin. At one point, I thought about throwing myself off the I5 bridge because I couldn't stand myself. 

God broke me. He shattered my "perfect" vision of myself. I realized how greatly I needed grace. I needed rescuing from the mess that I had made! It was my fault. No lying could change it. Nothing I did made it better. I couldn't blame others for my sins. It didn't matter how my parents treated Kim or thought about him. I had to own my sin. 

God placed us in a home group at Red Sea that gathered around us. They showed us love, grace and truth. In simple terms, they said, "You're wrong. And we love you." We were encouraged to seek reconciliation out with my parents, and to admit our wrong doing. It was a hard pill to swallow. I had done a lot of wrong things. I, even, bought my wedding dress without my mom. It was much easier to hold on to some type of blame for someone else, then to fully hold myself accountable without pointing fingers. I read once that even if you are only responsible for 10% of the problem, you need to take 100% responsibility for that 10%. And I was responsible for a lot more than 10%.

After meeting with my parents and our pastors, I called my parents to see how they were feeling. It wasn't good. I reached my breaking point. Cried out to my mom and asked to come home. I asked for forgiveness without pointing fingers. She came and picked me up right away. I was brought home. I received unconditional forgiveness, mercy, and love. In one night, my burdens were taken away.

I thank God for my parent's tough love. I needed to be cut off. Without it, I would have continued to be selfish and blame others. Those two months of isolation from my family, gave God the opportunity to work on my heart. He showed me the desperate state of my heart. I realized that I wasn't "good". I needed a Savior. And he loved me when I was in the depths of my mess. He didn't love me more when I was going to church, or being 'good.' He died for me when I was in the midst of sinning. Grace became real to me when I understood my depravity.

God lifted me from the depths. My relationship with my family was restored to a better place than ever before. My mom is one of my best friends. It is truly a miracle. She and my dad gave me grace beyond measure. We were reconciled in the beginning of June of 2008. Seven months later, Kim and I were married. This is mostly due to my parents' encouragement and forgiveness. They did not hold anything against us. 

This story isn't about me. It's about what God has done. He took a broken girl, a broken family, and made them new. My marriage is a testament to God's goodness. We will be married six years on January 17th, and I cannot take any credit. All the glory belongs to Jesus. It's his story.

You know what really grinds my gears?

This post is a slight rant. Ok, maybe a full on rant, but I think it needs to be said. I get a little frustrated when I see this picture, and similar ones on Pinterest.

Photo Credit

In general, I agree with the statement. Children shouldn't be the excuse for not working out. You should workout so that you can keep up with them and be the healthiest mom you can be. Working out is good for your body and mind. It can help keep you sane!

At the same time, I feel like this little phrase gets thrown around as if, you should look the same, workout the same, have the same expectations as you did before kids. Nothing should change just because you have kids. And that's a load of B.S.

Having young kids completely changes your world. It normally revolves around them: nap time, feedings, diaper changes, snuggle time, book time, tantrum time, etc. If you're a working mom, or have multiple kids, or any other reason, it can get even harder! So the fact, you are able to get a workout in, is freaking amazing!

Kids are a reason, you are exhausted. There's no way, I'm waking up early to workout. I normally, am praying that Tali will sleep till 7am. Normally she is awake at 6am. And of course, she was up at least once during the night. Then there's the oldest one, who generally speaking, sleeps through the night, but not always. Straight sleep? Yeah, right. On a side note, I love how one of the primary ways to help lose weight is getting enough sleep. Ha. Ha. Ha. That's funny. And it's not going to happen. Can I get a 'Amen'?

Kids are a reason your workouts won't look the same. This year I am committed to working out at least 5 times a week. When my husband is home I can get a straight workout in. That's one day out of the week, the other four days I'm on my own. My goal is to get Tali down for her morning nap, then start my workout. I might have 30 minutes to workout, quickly take a 5 minute shower, before she wakes up again. Most days, I have to improvise. Ten minutes here, another fifteen there, maybe some stretching or squats while making dinner. Most of the time I have to stop midway to help someone go to the bathroom, change a poopy diaper, stop the baby from playing in the dog's dish. You get the picture. Working out isn't the same with kids. It's not an excuse, just a reality.

Kids are the reason you probably won't look the same. Even if I lost all the weight that I want, and became very fit, I would still not look the same. I have stretch marks. I'm pretty sure my hips are permanently wider. I don't think you can give birth to two 9 pound girls and not have some type of permanent change to your body. Things change. That's ok.

Kids are the reason that your priorities shift. I want to be healthy and strong. At the same time, I want to model for my daughters that I don't hate my body just because it's not what it used to be. I don't want them to see my shame my body. I want them to see me exercise, eat right, and be positive. I also want them to realize that they are my greatest gifts. So if Jessie wants me to snuggle when I was hoping to workout, I'm choosing snuggle time. I won't get that time back. If Tali needs me, I'm there. If I was up most of the night with two sick girls, working out can wait for another day. Priorities change when you have kids.

Kids are a reason. They aren't an excuse. Sometimes it requires ingenuity and adaptation to workout. Sometimes it means changing your old way of thinking. Once you have kids, your life is never the same. It is forever changed for the good. Children are a blessing. And I want to be there for all the amazing moments ahead. Which is why I work out. I eat healthy. I choose not to get frustrated when my workouts get cut short, or I don't look the same.

This post is merely meant to be a shout out to the reality. Life with kids is an ever changing, amazing, hard, crazy world. Do your best. And enjoy the ride!