Remember that time when you could run 5 miles at a time?

I stare at myself in the mirror and sigh. This is not what I like to see. Another sigh. Since I got my clean bill of health from the surgeon two weeks ago, I have slowly started doing 'real' workouts. You know the kind that raises your heart rate so that you can't carry a conversation, sweat drips down your face, and your muscles scream at you the next day. Last year my workouts were limited due to back pain and pregnancy.

I have been trying to ease my way back into a regular routine of working out 4 to 5 times per week. It hasn't been easy. Mostly due to my self defeating thoughts. It goes something like this:

"Remember when you were working out five times a week. You could run four or five miles at a time. You did regular HIIT workouts."

"Yes I remember. But I had a herniated disc and baby this year. It's ok that my body isn't what it used to be."

"Yeah, but you could do so much before: push ups and burpees. Remember how easy the Jessica Smith TV workouts were, and are now difficult for you. Remember doing the challenging workouts on Fitnessblender?"

"Yeah, yeah. I remember. I was fit. My clothes were looser. I could do a lot more."

"Now, you're still not in your old clothes. Those are your fat pants."

"They're barely my fat pants. Just a little bit more, and they'll be loose again."

"Mmmmhhhhhmmm. You had Tali 8 months ago. You still have 10 more pounds before pre-pregnancy weight. And then some after that."

"BUT!! You're forgetting about my brain tumor. It messes with my hormones and causes my body to think I'm pregnant. It's hard, nearly impossible, to lose weight until my hormones get corrected."

"Fine. I'll give you that. But still..... you're not happy."

"Yeah, I'm not." 

Sigh. This is unfortunately what often goes through my mind as I start working out, or when I see myself in the mirror. The problem doesn't lie in my lack of knowledge or low self esteem. I know the truth. 

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8

I have to choose to set my mind on the lovely, pure, commendable, honorable, just, excellent things. 

Working out is good for my body.

I am have done a lot in the past, but where I am at right now is ok. There's no shame in it. 

It doesn't have to stay this way. I don't need to compare myself from the past to the present.

Focus on today. I did a hard workout. I had sweat beading down my face. My body is getting stronger with each day. Every workout I do, helps strengthen my back, which helps prevents herniation. Every step forward is progress, even if it is a small step. 

My happiness is not going to be tied to a number on the scale, the size of the jean, or measurements on my body. My joy is tied to Christ. And he is satisfying. 

So the next time, I start to hear the defeating, negative thoughts. This will be my response:

"Shut up. You're wrong. Today is a new day. I will choose joy. I will choose to think about what is good."