“Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil."
Matthew 6:9-13
In my last post, I talked about my first experience working out. Well, less than 24 hours later I was in the ER because of extreme back pain. I don't think my pain was directly related to working out, because it wasn't much different than what I normally do, but for some reason my back had severe spasms. It was worse than anything I have ever experienced before. I could not stand. My right leg was completely numb. The doctor who performed my epidural shot was unable to help me, and so I was instructed to go to the ER because of my pain. I couldn't walk, or crawl, the ambulance had to come and take me.
I can't describe the amount of pain I was in. Even morphine wasn't quite enough to stop the pain. I was discharged that same night with a assortment of pain medications, to hopefully tide me over until I could speak to the doctor who did my epidural injection. The next 72 hours were filled with pain. I couldn't walk. Trying to get the bathroom was nearly impossible, to the point I tried to resist having to go because I couldn't bear the pain. I called the doctor who was of no help, scheduled an appointment with a neurosurgeon for this coming Tuesday and sent even had a friend schedule a acupuncturist to come and try and help lessen my nerve pain. Thankfully, my primary care physician, Dr. Jones, was willing to help me and prescribed medication that would actually target me nerve pain, as the pain medication wouldn't stop the nerve pain.
This week was filled with physical and mental pain. There were times all I could cry out was "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner." It became my mantra as the pain seared through my leg. I kept trying to remind myself that my Lord went through pain. He understood. But honestly, in times of excruciating pain, the only thing I could concentrate on was the name of Jesus.
I am currently at my parent's house. The girls and I are staying with them during the week, so that my mom can take care of the girls. I can't lift, bend, walk, or even nurse Tali. The medications I am taking are not safe for breastfeeding, and I cannot even lift her without pain. With back surgery in the
very near future, I doubt I can continue to nurse. It has broken my heart. I have been scared that I will lose the bond with my daughter. In some ways, I know that it is silly. I am thankful that she is 6 months old and I have been able to breastfeed her to this point. It is a grace from God. But my heart still hurts over it.
So where is God? Why is this happening? I have no answer. But I keep telling myself that He is good. At the ER, I kept saying out loud to my husband and brother that God is good. He is good. I can't answer the why. I just know the 'who'. And the 'who' is God. He suffered for me. He knows my pain. And his plan for my life, no matter how painful, is for the greater glory. This is a 'light
and momentary affliction that is preparing for my a greater glory.' (2nd Corinthians 4:17) My suffering isn't meaningless. He is in control. This truth I preach over and over and over, till my heart sings with it.
As I write this I realize that part of his plan is that I learn to receive my daily bread. I am a planner. I always have long term goals, ideas, plans. But I can't right now. I was getting so sad when I thought about how I could possibly make it. It was too much thinking. I needed to trust God with today's grace. And trust that tomorrow He will provide.
Yesterday, I sat up, slightly reclined, for over an hour. My husband was able to give me a bath. I can walk to the bathroom without severe pain. And the nerve pain medicine is actually lowering my pain level from an 8 to a 4.
Today, I can sit up for even longer. I am able to work from home. I don't have to miss any extra work. I only woke up once from pain last night. And I have even been able to catch up on some Downtown Abbey episodes!
I can't thank God enough for the music I have been able to listen to. In the middle of the night, when the nerve pain would flare up, all I could do was try to relax and listen to music. The songs from Still Pilgrims, the duo of Tara and Billy Kerr, gave my heart hope. David Crowder, Andy Mineo, and even KJ-52 helped my brain focus on the lyrics and sounds instead of the pain.
These little things: like visits from friends, prayers, chocolate, mochas, are my daily bread. I am given enough for today. And I will trust God for tomorrows grace, more blessings. He is my sustainer, my hope, my Father.
"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than
life?" Matthew 6:26-27
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