Sanctification isn't a solo thing

This blog has been therapeutic as I've been stuck on the couch for over a week now. It's given me a quite a bit of time to process and pray. Revelations tend to happen around 3 AM when my pain is at its worst, and I can hear Tali crying for her nightly feeding, and sleep is evasive. 

This "early" morning was no exception. Tali woke up around a quarter to 4. Due to my condition my mom is taking care of Tali during the night. Part of me aches with guilt over it. I don't want my mom to have to wake up. I don't want to her to lose sleep at night. I lay on the couch and just listen to the sounds of my daughter cry, and I know I can't do anything to calm her. I can't nurse her. I can't even make it up the stairs to her room. I can't bend over to pick her up. 

The thoughts at night are the worst:

"Mom is losing sleep again."

"Why can't Tali just sleep through the night?"

"You can't do anything."

"You are making everyone's lives more difficult."

I know it isn't true. But in the dark, when you're unable to move, listening to the sound of your daughter's cries, it's hard to remember the truth. Add physical pain to the mix, and you get a overwhelming sense of guilt and grief. 

This morning I kept thinking about me and the burden I am placing on everyone. I know God is good. I know this is for my good. This process of weakness that requires me to rely on others, is for my sanctification. I know some of it won't make sense, the 'why' behind it all. As I kept thinking and praying for Tali to settle down, I realized that much of my situation is for others as well. 

I get so wrapped up in myself. I get focused on how this situation affects me and how my helplessness is a burden to others. But I know that God is using this situation to sanctify others as well. He is using my pain, not just for me. I am a tool. Honestly, I wish that this process could be done in a less painful way, but this is the path that God has chosen for me. I will be obedient and trust in his goodness, his plan. Whether or not I see what God does behind the scenes doesn't change the truth of who He is and that his plan is good for me and everyone else around me. 

The more I think about God and those around me, the less I think about my pain and myself. There is a greater story going on. I need to be obedient to where God has put me, and allow others to take care of me. I need to be willing to allow others to do what God is calling them to do, whatever that may be: taking care of my kids, bringing meals, spending their time or money, etc. I need to set my pride aside. God may be using me to help sanctify them, grow them, build their character. Sanctification isn't a solo thing. 

God is weaving this beautiful story. I look forward to the day when I can sit with my Savior and ask, "Lord, show me your grace that I was too blind to see. Show me the glory that I thought could have never been. Abba, tell me your story that was woven through my life."